You lost me at hello

We got a robo-call yesterday from Chain Pizza Store Which Shall Remain Unnamed, promising us some great droolworthy deal on a large pizza combo. The voice sounded like the excited female version of that Moviefone guy.

We also frequently get mailings from this same chain, with coupons.

DH and I LOVE this pizza. We also like this restaurant's other admittedly-not-healthy offerings, like garlic bread, cheese bread, etc. When we lived in DC, we regularly ordered pizza from this place, and it was delivered, usually promptly and as ordered. We were good and appreciative customers. We gave them generous tips. We didn't give them a hard time if they took awhile to arrive.

Then we moved to the semi-sticks, and our longtime relationship with this particular chain hit the skids. Although we are at most 15 minutes away, no longer a drive than we were from our local outlet in DC, the guys here didn't seem to know if we were in their delivery area.

After a couple of attempts, it became apparent that whether or not we were in their delivery area was up to whichever teenage guy happened to take our call, and how motivated he was feeling at that moment, and occasionally how busy or short-staffed they were that night. One night we were not in the zone. Another night we were. One night when we were not in the zone, DH asked them why they bothered sending us flyers every month if we were not technically "in" their designated area. Neither the teenager nor his manager could answer that.

The best was one night when DH called them and ordered pizza, and gave them our address. The teenage phone-answerer yelled across the room to his coworkers, "Hey, do we deliver to (our street)?" The other guys responded with something unintelligible, and then the first kid came back on the phone and said, "How much will you tip us?"

Needless to say, that was the last time we bothered. Cheese bread notwithstanding.

And the coupons keep coming, and now the robo-calls exhorting us to call them RIGHT NOW for a "speedy delivery! Right to your door!"

"So," you may ask, "Why do you feel ENTITLED to have your dinner delivered? Why don't you just drive over there and get it yourself, you lazy bum?"

Because we're lazy bums. Duh. Also, we're busy putting kids to bed, doing laundry, cleaning up after our cyclone-like offspring, paying bills, and returning phone calls, and come 9pm on an occasional night when we're too worn out to make dinner, we just want to sit on the couch, watch TV, be totally lazy and spoiled, and effortlessly stuff our faces with greasy food like so many of our fellow citizens across this great nation.

Believe me, o pizza guys, you want us as customers. I mean, we're nice people. We tip well, when not subject to blatant extortion. We won't sic our crazed dogs on you. We won't make you go out in bad weather, or wreck your shocks on a dirt road. You will not need to sit in traffic or circle looking for a parking spot. We'll buy lots of food because we like leftovers. We will not defect to That Other Pizza Chain (which is several miles further away and definitely won't deliver), because we like your food better. And we do not, by any means, live in the middle of nowhere - this place is turning into suburbia as fast as an army of bulldozers can scoop. So why hit us with ads and tantalize us with the prospect of delivery when you won't deliver?

Disclaimer: I am aware that there are greater and more pressing issues in today's world, to which my unrequited desire for pizza delivery as advertised is but a fraction of a granule in a very large sandy beach. I am also aware that, were I motivated, ahead of schedule, and energetic enough, I could just schlep over there and pick it up myself (even though it would get cold and kind of gross because I don't have one of those heated therma-thingies in my car). And I could have chosen to live in better proximity to said pizza place, thus guaranteeing delivery. But I didn't.

I am not whining about my lack of delivered pizza, nor my lack of any kind of pizza. My objection is to said pizza chain killing trees and dispatching robot callers to shove it in our faces that this delicious food is out there and they will deliver it, but then they won't actually do it when asked in a reasonable tone of voice. Or any tone of voice.

Unless, apparently, we bribe them with a lot of money.

So knock it off with the ads, or expand your delivery area another half-mile. Not to mention, don't harvest our phone number for ads when you only got it because we called and you took our number and then wouldn't deliver.

Sadly, not getting this pizza (or Chinese, or Thai, or anything DC restaurants deliver) anymore has not caused either of us to lose the weight we probably put on by eating it.