Also, I've been alluding to some major life decisions of late. Chief among them is where to send our kids to school in the future, and if we choose to go the independent school route (I recognize fully that we are fortunate to be in a position to choose, and am humbly grateful for that), whether I'm willing to make certain sacrifices in my parental, personal and career aspirations to pay for that, or to accommodate the additional logistics that may be involved. Even though Melrose just turned 4 and we'd be happy to her to continue at her current school thru pre-K, the two independent schools we are considering are competitive. We decided she will probably have the best odds if we apply now, rather than waiting until kindergarten or later, when there are far fewer slots up for grabs and the admission requirements get more challenging.
Independent school feels a little weird to me. I worry about the ivory tower and the homogeneity (and the BILLS ) and so on, but going to public school is not an automatic reality check. I was a public-school kid, all the way through, but I can be the first to tell you it was nearly all white, nearly all wealthy, and that upper-middle-class teenagers at any school are inherently solipsistic and need some extra effort to see that not everyone in our world looks like them or has what they do.
I was fortunate to grow up in a small town with neighborhood schools and a superior education system. Still, in a town of wealthy, athletic, overachieving superstars, quieter kids like me tended to fly under the radar. I did great by most people's standards--lots of minor roles in various extracurriculars, a couple of honors classes each year, got into my first choice college. But I certainly could have been pushed harder, and I definitely could have achieved so much more, had there been a little more individual attention, and had I not endured a four-year period of general exclusion, bullying and sexual harassment with little support or intervention from the school administration. Back in the late 80s, nobody ever dreamed that a kid treated like I was would come to school with a rifle and open fire, or that parents would sue the school and other students for sexual harassment. My parents' complaints often had few positive results, or only awkward attempts to correct matters (like my guidance counselor facilitating a meeting with me and one of my worst tormentors, so this trashy blue-eyeshadowed little 7th grade b---h could explain to me exactly what I was doing that had made me a target). I'm sure most post-Columbine schools would do a better job than mine did, but I swore to myself that if I ever had a child who was a little...different, I would do everything in my power to keep him or her from experiencing that kind of trauma. Not that private school kids don't suffer social rejection and anguish, but as a tuition-paying parent, you have a lot more recourse than a taxpaying parent to make sure wrongs are righted.
Chip went to a wonderful private school, and his parents sacrificed a lot financially for that, but have no regrets. He went in a shy, smart kid, and came out a dynamic, friendly, confident person who later became a star salesperson, manager and business director. For someone who was a shy introvert, he is now incredibly outgoing and skilled at managing other people and their issues, and, despite being just as uncoordinated and bookwormish as I am, he never experienced the kind of social alienation I went through. He blossomed at school into a kid who was well-liked and respected, and who was unfailingly kind to others. Even the odder ducks in his class were treated with respect.
I would have done great in a place like that. My parents actually wanted to pull me out of public school at one point, but I resisted strongly. For one thing, I would have needed to repeat a year. For another, I feared that being thrown in with a whole new set of elite kids would just be a repeat of what was already happening, and I didn't want any further proof of my inability to fit in. The devils I knew were better than the ones I didn't. In retrospect, I wish they had overruled my objections, but I also realize it would have been very difficult for them financially, and I do appreciate that I received a top-rate education nonetheless.
I'd like to think that I believe in public education, and I do believe one can get an outstanding public education in many places. But after a lot of soul-searching, I don't think it's the right choice for our kids, especially for Melrose. When we moved here we were told our district cluster was one of the best, but have since learned that it's actually kind of so-so, mostly because it's huge. With all the development going on out here, the schools are crowded, classes are huge, and facilities overwhelmed. The middle and high school are 20 minutes away, and currently there is no elementary school to check out, because it's still being built. Nobody seems to have any numbers on how big classes will be, etc. Factor that in with my intense dislike for No Child Left Behind and the teaching-to-the-test mentality that seems to predominate American public schools, and the insights I've gotten from friends and relatives who are teachers or school personnel, and the fact that some friends of ours (who are very easygoing, mellow people) pulled all four of their kids out of our public system last year and sent them to parochial school because they didn't like what was going on, and it's not exactly warm fuzzies.
Choosing public school would clearly be much less financial pressure on us, and would give me the freedom to change careers, go back to school, or work a reduced schedule and so on. But I also feel that parenthood means doing what is best for your children, even if that means sacrificing, and I don't think sending a child like Melrose to a huge regional school system would be good for her in many ways. I'd rather send her and her brother to schools where I know they will be loved, nurtured, and get the best education they can, and where I have recourse to expect they will be respected and valued for who they are, even if that means we give up other things we want out of life. What would we spend that tuition money on anyway? Nice cars? They'd get trashed. Shopping at fancy boutiques? They don't have anything in my size. Eating out more? We'd get even fatter. Travel? We don't have enough vacation time to do much else. Home improvements? We already have a nicer house than I'd ever dreamed of. Join a country club? We don't swim, golf, or play tennis. I'd rather buy my kids academic rigor, nurturing, community, and social confidence than anything else on the planet. If that means I don't get a brand-new new car until they're out of college, I can live with that. I just have a harder time with the fact that I have to keep working, full time, and making at least what I'm making now for us to afford it at all. Even if my job drives me nuts. No going back to school, or starting my own business, or cutting back my hours.
So now we've applied to School #1 and School #2. Both seem like wonderful, nurturing places with rigorous academics, mandatory sports, and strong character education. Both have great reputations. Both require uniforms (yessss! no more clothing-choice battles!). Both made favorable impressions on both Melrose and ourselves. Both are places we think our kids would be happy and do well.
School #1 is just around the corner on a farm converted to a campus, and has a warm, friendly atmosphere and nice, relatively new academic buildings. We loved the people we met there, it's an excellent location in our own community, and Melrose had a stellar visit day. The one major drawback for both of us is that the school only goes through 8th grade, and is pretty insistent that it will remain as such. This would mean we'd have to go through the admissions hoopla all over again with our 13-year-olds, and even if they beat out the competition and got into their favorite high school, they would have to go through some pretty major adjustment to new schools and friends at an age when that's very difficult.
School #2 is my husband's beloved alma mater, actually, and I have gotten familiar with it after years of attending alumni events. Just around the time we moved here, School #2 decided to sell its longtime campus, which is too far away for us to even consider applying, and build a new campus from scratch on a farm about 30 minutes south of here. This means Melrose would be part of the first class of pre-Ks to start there, and the entire campus would be new. She really enjoyed visiting there too, although her day there was not as good as we would have hoped (I'll save that story for another day). It's one of the top academic programs in the area, and more of a reach for us in terms of competitiveness, logistics, and the keeping-up-with-the-Joneses factor (lots of wealthy Main Line families, luxury cars, etc.). Still, I found the staff and other parents very warm, welcoming, and friendly, and ditto for the alums and others I've met at the events over the years. It also has an Episcopalian theological focus, whereas School #1 is nondenominational. The big drawbacks are the distance (we'd have to get her to and from school ourselves next year, and it's not exactly convenient), it costs a little more, and as with the public school, the campus is a big construction site right now and there are a lot of unknowns.
We should learn in the next month whether Melrose got into either school. If she gets into one but not the other, we're going with the one she gets into. If she gets into neither, she stays put and we'll reapply for next year. If she gets into both, then we have to really consider the logistics and the atmosphere and various other details. We're trying not to be overly biased by our knowledge of School #2 and to give School #1 fair consideration. Stay tuned....
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We are having our own, locale-specific version of this debate, but also need to factor in a child with special needs and special education requirements. It is tough, and I wonder everyday if we will do, are doing, the right thing.
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